Today is the 24th February 2014. I'm blogging at the hospital while waiting for my turn to see the doctor. Tired from sleeping too much, oh, how ironic is that...
Sometime back, during Chinese New Year, I was having dinner at my Mom's and only my sister, her husband and me was seated around the table. Talking bout having a baby and stuffs. And we came to the pain factor when in labor, and she said firmly and without hesitation at all,'敏敏一定可以的'. She meant, I could definitely pull through without the epidural. I'm not so sure myself, but I'm genuinely touched that she had so much faith in me. Yes, having gone through twice of extracting my own bone marrow was no joke, but I've never really compared the pain factor of both. I mean, the pain you feel is close but definitely at different parts of the body. I, too, hope that I could pull through without epidural. But that's for me to think about only when the time comes for me to have a baby. Would I ever have one? It's a lot to consider and sacrifice come to speak of it, if it haven't been for my medical condition perhaps I would be ready for one already. And perhaps, I would have made it to New York already.
New York, so much emotion over these two words. Longing to go for what... About five years now? And I still couldn't make it. I wouldn't take no for an answer on this one, I want to go, and I will go, it's only a matter of time when having enough money and having a travel partner comes together to fit the perfect picture nicely.
I'm reaching an age of a quarter of a century, as far as I know, if I don't start on the things I wanna achieve, there ain't enough time for me to do it no more.
I know what I want in life, do you?
I'm pretty sure there are a handful of people around that doesn't know what they want. And they simply follow the 'standard procedure'; study, graduate, find a job, get a girlfriend, be married, have kids, and wait for retirement and die. I don't want that, I wanna achieve big things, no, definitely not career wise, life wise. I wanna be able to do the things that inspire me the most, that make me so determined. Despite certain unexpected circumstances, I still know what I want. It's only a matter of proper management of your life. And it doesn't matter if I finally get to achieve it before I die because at least, I gave it a shot, no matter how many obstacles stand in my way and no matter how many people tell me it's not gonna be easy. I tried and I never gave up, it stays in me, progressing slowly but surely. At the very least, I have a dream, I've got a goal to hit, I... know what I want.
Sad that the people around me doesn't realize the burning passion I have and the disappointment I get from failing to go to New York time and again. Perhaps I don't really show it, and the disappointment doesn't stays long. Because I get up on my feet soon enough and continue pursuing my dream.
They might even cheer with joy that I'm not able to make it, but that's okay, I still love them, because I know why and what made them act like this.
Everything is gonna get better, I believe... :)
Monday, February 24, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
Today is the 10th February 2014.
Been pretty moody recently... not exactly sure why, but probably due to my period hormones changing like volcano.
I've been thinking about the forbidden things again, not a good sign I would say, much like a rewind of my memory, but the other part of the usual stuffs.
I've been thinking about the people whom I've hurt... unintentionally... and not just any of them, particularly guys who hold feelings for me and was hoping for chances. I feel deeply apologetic to them.
And I know a few of them still does... no worries, I've cut all form of contact from them.
I just feel sad that even before they could start, they already face rejection simply because I'm attached or married? Why couldn't we have met earlier? Then they would get a chance, at least a shot at trying.
The point is, if they don't even get a chance to start then what's the point of us meeting and knowing each other. Then I have to be the bad one to reject them in the face? It is utterly unfair that people don't even get a chance at trying just because we were knew each other at the wrong time.
And the memory of them breaking down in front of me because I have rejected them... the sadness and anger, just sink into the bottom of my brain like it's tied to a giant rock.
Some of them argue to stay as friends, some of them simply stay away after the rejection. But neither of them comes close, I won't let them anywhere near enough to jeopardize my marriage.
Perhaps the mind is in need of a good club session, wanting to release the unhappiness and all the stress from work. Two years six months, that's how long I've been trying to quit drinking completely, but have failed one time after the other. I can't believe alcohol is the only thing that can make me care free.
Been pretty moody recently... not exactly sure why, but probably due to my period hormones changing like volcano.
I've been thinking about the forbidden things again, not a good sign I would say, much like a rewind of my memory, but the other part of the usual stuffs.
I've been thinking about the people whom I've hurt... unintentionally... and not just any of them, particularly guys who hold feelings for me and was hoping for chances. I feel deeply apologetic to them.
And I know a few of them still does... no worries, I've cut all form of contact from them.
I just feel sad that even before they could start, they already face rejection simply because I'm attached or married? Why couldn't we have met earlier? Then they would get a chance, at least a shot at trying.
The point is, if they don't even get a chance to start then what's the point of us meeting and knowing each other. Then I have to be the bad one to reject them in the face? It is utterly unfair that people don't even get a chance at trying just because we were knew each other at the wrong time.
And the memory of them breaking down in front of me because I have rejected them... the sadness and anger, just sink into the bottom of my brain like it's tied to a giant rock.
Some of them argue to stay as friends, some of them simply stay away after the rejection. But neither of them comes close, I won't let them anywhere near enough to jeopardize my marriage.
Perhaps the mind is in need of a good club session, wanting to release the unhappiness and all the stress from work. Two years six months, that's how long I've been trying to quit drinking completely, but have failed one time after the other. I can't believe alcohol is the only thing that can make me care free.
Thursday, February 06, 2014
今天是二月六日。好快啊，有是新的一年。
心想，今年起，我要学会看开一点。这样对你我都好，少吵一点，多爱一些。
或许吧，身边有伴的人都在吵吵闹闹，吵些有的没得，闹些不值得的。看了听了都很累，肯本不想也不愿意让我们会有一天跟他们一样。
看开一点，就是再也不用要求你戒烟，
看开一点，就是再也不用对你爱打麻将买马票而生气。
哪怕这些再伤身，再花钱，只要换来的是开心两个字，我也满意了。都几岁了，是好是坏你自己应该分得清。于其经常苦口婆心的在你耳边唠叨，不如用那心思与时间在自己喜欢的事情上，这样不是好很多吗？你开心我也开心。
人生，不是掏债就是还债。但两回都无法逃出‘烦’这一个字。何为‘烦’人？
人生太憔悴了，不值得为不必要的事情不开心。
心想，今年起，我要学会看开一点。这样对你我都好，少吵一点，多爱一些。
或许吧，身边有伴的人都在吵吵闹闹，吵些有的没得，闹些不值得的。看了听了都很累，肯本不想也不愿意让我们会有一天跟他们一样。
看开一点，就是再也不用要求你戒烟，
看开一点，就是再也不用对你爱打麻将买马票而生气。
哪怕这些再伤身，再花钱，只要换来的是开心两个字，我也满意了。都几岁了，是好是坏你自己应该分得清。于其经常苦口婆心的在你耳边唠叨，不如用那心思与时间在自己喜欢的事情上，这样不是好很多吗？你开心我也开心。
人生，不是掏债就是还债。但两回都无法逃出‘烦’这一个字。何为‘烦’人？
人生太憔悴了，不值得为不必要的事情不开心。
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Today is the 13th December 2013.
Disappointments.
When would they ever end, oh boy. And they often come just when you least expect it, making it worse or perhaps that's the whole idea.
I am not someone who talks a lot, even amongst my own family, but that doesn't mean I'm not engaging myself into the conversations around. I still listen but I hate talking unnecessarily, and most of the time, I realized I've made the right choice. All these while when I thought my new colleagues were oh-so-welcoming and hey-you'd-fit-in-just-right, I was wrong. It goes to show where I stand when they leave me out on a birthday surprise. I was right there at my desk. Now it disgust me when I recall all the laughter and lunch time together all these while.
Thanks, but no thanks, I prefer those who'd just treat me like a stranger than those who smile and share jokes with but don't really count you in.
Working in a big firm, I guess, this is just the start to seeing the real world. It's devastating to see how the corporate world has burnt away basic humanity. I have come to realise that physical looks does impact the way you get treated, let alone those who are obviously different from normal. When mistakes happen and you're ugly, you'll get shouted at, told off straight in the face or even rejected without having a chance to start your very first word of explanation. But when you're average to good looking, people play politics. They'll say it's okay, they'll tell you what to do if it happens again, they'll let the whole world know you did wrong and cc e-mails to the big bosses. Well literally the ugly people get the scoldings and the politics back to back. Perhaps people don't realize how they react differently or sometimes it's too late, but apologies don't cost money.
And I feel sad for them, because the least I could do is to treat them differently myself, respect their differences and be equal.
How often do we stop and feel for people at the receiving end? All the harsh words they hear, all the body language they see and all the emotions swelling up to our replies.
I just wish I would have one best of the best bff, whom, I could share all my thoughts with, one who knows all my dirty little secrets and I wouldn't have to worry about texting her all the time even if she's with bf or other great friends. Coz we would be each other's only bff.
Disappointments.
When would they ever end, oh boy. And they often come just when you least expect it, making it worse or perhaps that's the whole idea.
I am not someone who talks a lot, even amongst my own family, but that doesn't mean I'm not engaging myself into the conversations around. I still listen but I hate talking unnecessarily, and most of the time, I realized I've made the right choice. All these while when I thought my new colleagues were oh-so-welcoming and hey-you'd-fit-in-just-right, I was wrong. It goes to show where I stand when they leave me out on a birthday surprise. I was right there at my desk. Now it disgust me when I recall all the laughter and lunch time together all these while.
Thanks, but no thanks, I prefer those who'd just treat me like a stranger than those who smile and share jokes with but don't really count you in.
Working in a big firm, I guess, this is just the start to seeing the real world. It's devastating to see how the corporate world has burnt away basic humanity. I have come to realise that physical looks does impact the way you get treated, let alone those who are obviously different from normal. When mistakes happen and you're ugly, you'll get shouted at, told off straight in the face or even rejected without having a chance to start your very first word of explanation. But when you're average to good looking, people play politics. They'll say it's okay, they'll tell you what to do if it happens again, they'll let the whole world know you did wrong and cc e-mails to the big bosses. Well literally the ugly people get the scoldings and the politics back to back. Perhaps people don't realize how they react differently or sometimes it's too late, but apologies don't cost money.
And I feel sad for them, because the least I could do is to treat them differently myself, respect their differences and be equal.
How often do we stop and feel for people at the receiving end? All the harsh words they hear, all the body language they see and all the emotions swelling up to our replies.
I just wish I would have one best of the best bff, whom, I could share all my thoughts with, one who knows all my dirty little secrets and I wouldn't have to worry about texting her all the time even if she's with bf or other great friends. Coz we would be each other's only bff.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Today is the 31st October 2013, and I will be a bride in exactly one week's time. This customary thing, feels different.
I'm scared. Afraid of what will tie me down this time.
Somehow, I wish I had the guts to do what I really want. Pleasing others is a different life from what I thought I had in mind. How long can I please someone? How long can I afford to please someone?
It's my life, my choice, but I'm doing everything differently solely for the sake of not being selfish and doing what makes most people around me happy and feel good that I have a good and safe path to walk on for the rest of my life.
But somehow, I don't want it to be entirely this way. I wanna take risks, I wanna take chances that people tell me that I'm going to regret. I wanna put faith in things that people refuse to agree with.
Having faith in being healthy again does not matter to me, because people age and will die. Death is not fearful, it's the separation that people desperately wanna avoid.
I wanna feel danger again. My life used to be colorful with danger, but it's only grey now. Everything is.. grey...
I'm scared. Afraid of what will tie me down this time.
Somehow, I wish I had the guts to do what I really want. Pleasing others is a different life from what I thought I had in mind. How long can I please someone? How long can I afford to please someone?
It's my life, my choice, but I'm doing everything differently solely for the sake of not being selfish and doing what makes most people around me happy and feel good that I have a good and safe path to walk on for the rest of my life.
But somehow, I don't want it to be entirely this way. I wanna take risks, I wanna take chances that people tell me that I'm going to regret. I wanna put faith in things that people refuse to agree with.
Having faith in being healthy again does not matter to me, because people age and will die. Death is not fearful, it's the separation that people desperately wanna avoid.
I wanna feel danger again. My life used to be colorful with danger, but it's only grey now. Everything is.. grey...
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Today is the 20th August 2013.
I'm a horoscope of Gemini, and never would I doubt myself if I am one. From the first time I ever read about the characteristic of a Gemini, I'm fully aware that it was right.
I cannot help but agree that people of Gemini indeed has dual personalities. It's hard living with two personalities because the choices you make affects the other. In my case, my two personalities are of extreme cases. I'm now living the personality of the simple and happily ever after, and damn right it's suffocating at the same time suppressing the personality of the other - the life living in the city, chic, lush, party going and never worrying about love because marriage is out of the question.
While I was in my teenage years, party and New York was all I ever think about. It was the best years I've live so far. Dangerous indeed, but never quite unhappy. And then things change. I can never stop myself from revolving about these topics. Because it was what I wanted most.
Dreams being dreams, let's be realistic and settle down. Yes, I've got it done.
It's probably one of the hardest things in life trying to get settle down. Because it's very difficult living with someone else for the rest of your life when two have very different mind set and living styles. So what if you love each other? I love my sister too but I don't like sharing room with her coz she always sleeps late, have a huge ass loud alarm ringtone and keeps the light on when she sleeps. If siblings can violently reject to share rooms, let alone lovers.
I can't help but realize how different we are whenever we have an argument or whenever I get pissed off cleaning up the house, like right now.
It's lame to vent it on a blog I totally know, but I just hate it when I see your race packs and cigarette butts piled up like a fucking trash place. Two personalities, and I know the other side of me would never go through this kinda shit.
I'm a horoscope of Gemini, and never would I doubt myself if I am one. From the first time I ever read about the characteristic of a Gemini, I'm fully aware that it was right.
I cannot help but agree that people of Gemini indeed has dual personalities. It's hard living with two personalities because the choices you make affects the other. In my case, my two personalities are of extreme cases. I'm now living the personality of the simple and happily ever after, and damn right it's suffocating at the same time suppressing the personality of the other - the life living in the city, chic, lush, party going and never worrying about love because marriage is out of the question.
While I was in my teenage years, party and New York was all I ever think about. It was the best years I've live so far. Dangerous indeed, but never quite unhappy. And then things change. I can never stop myself from revolving about these topics. Because it was what I wanted most.
Dreams being dreams, let's be realistic and settle down. Yes, I've got it done.
It's probably one of the hardest things in life trying to get settle down. Because it's very difficult living with someone else for the rest of your life when two have very different mind set and living styles. So what if you love each other? I love my sister too but I don't like sharing room with her coz she always sleeps late, have a huge ass loud alarm ringtone and keeps the light on when she sleeps. If siblings can violently reject to share rooms, let alone lovers.
I can't help but realize how different we are whenever we have an argument or whenever I get pissed off cleaning up the house, like right now.
It's lame to vent it on a blog I totally know, but I just hate it when I see your race packs and cigarette butts piled up like a fucking trash place. Two personalities, and I know the other side of me would never go through this kinda shit.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
今天是六月二十七，先在是午夜十二点零九分。不知为何睡不了，只知道心里好难受。
记得小时候有一年，自己亲手做给妈妈的生日卡，里头写了我对兄弟姐妹的各自想法。妈妈看了似乎很喜欢，从此把生日卡收在文件夹里。
今天，我依然想把各自兄弟姐妹们留一些话，但不是我各自的想法，而是我想对他们说的心里话。不单单是兄弟姐妹，爸爸妈妈，还有你。
我想对爸爸说:
爸，这几十年来，辛苦你了。我知道为了养家，您不段的在打工赚钱。即使现实世界是多么的残忍无情，你还是硬着头皮为我们带来家用。你老了，很遗憾我到了这个年纪，因为病情还得依靠你，不能给你有好一些的日子过。我始终为了这件事感到很惭愧。但无论如何，我希望你能安心，我会照顾我自己。你是我永远伟大的爸爸，我爱你。
我想对妈妈说:
妈，你也辛苦了。我们都长大了，试着放手吧。日夜的担心是时候停了。说了会听，终会看得出改变。说了听不进，只能让命运安排明白的时机。过多的强求，有时候换来的反而是不想看到的返效果。我相信我们每一个都认同有你这妈妈是我们前世修来的福气。同样的，我感到很遗憾，因为病情让你多次担心流泪。所以请你放心，我还在努力学习自己生活的健健康康。我爱你。
我想对大姐说:
妈妈曾经说过，如果你只剩下最后一片金牌，你不会给其他人，你会给我们兄弟姐妹。我相信这一点。很多时候，你认为不说，我们就不担心。但你彻彻底底的错了。你不说，但我们都看得出，反而更担心。
有时候，当我们插手做出你不喜欢的事，你要记得，我们都会担心彼此。到底说，我们插手的原因，出发点都是为你好的。
我想对二姐说:
虽然脾气是好很多很多，可是当事情发生时，坏脾气还是一样。不要老把公平挂在嘴边，公平由老天决定。有些事是公平不了的，就像如果你要大象，猴子，鱼，狮子和鸟爬树，根本都公平不了因为各自有各自的优点和缺点。
有因就有果，公平的惩罚由不得我们做决定。老天自有安排。
我想对妹妹说:
长大了。你依然那么固执。对，有时候你的理由是好的，但不是每个人的看法或想法都和你一样。你不说出你的看法，别人往往认定你没话说了。很多时候，你的所做所谓出发点都是为人好。但是缺乏交代，别人往往就认定你是个不负责任的人。
你虽然自立，但始终让妈妈担心。妈妈不会永远在世，要懂得问候和珍惜。
我想对弟弟说:
你好懂事，妈妈最疼你了。老担心你是否能自立。日夜心疼你没什么朋友，电脑游戏玩的太多。我知道你担心家里，但如果你也能求神拜佛，妈妈就放心多了。
我想对你说:
我已经不期望你能带给我什么了。说心疼也好，说放弃也罢，这几年来的吵吵闹闹，我要的是什么? 是你每天的注意。而换来的是你每天放工回来坐在沙发上不停的回复手机简讯，玩游戏和看电视剧的结果。我似乎每天坐在沙发旁都觉得被忽略。好失望。
我累了。我不想再像一条狗似的等待你有空或有难才留意到我。我不想在问东问西，不会里你太多，免得又让自己失望伤心。
----------
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
Today is the 4th June 2013. Things felt a little different when one's expectation changes. I won't say it changed entirely overnight, but at least I felt there were changes.
I've stop expecting you to do things like I used to, at least these two days. Sometimes when it failed and I get angry, I'll only take a deep breathe and tell myself that hey, I thought I said stop expecting?
And there are many things I would expect from you everyday, small little things that may not even matter that means a lot to me.
A few times, I would miss how everything used to be, and reach out for a hug. You never did knew, did you? That every hug I reached out to get from you meant something, that each hug was a comfort to something that's on my mind.
I'm looking forward to being happier, I couldn't be bothered anymore.
And I will visit New York City this year for Christmas and New Year.
I've stop expecting you to do things like I used to, at least these two days. Sometimes when it failed and I get angry, I'll only take a deep breathe and tell myself that hey, I thought I said stop expecting?
And there are many things I would expect from you everyday, small little things that may not even matter that means a lot to me.
A few times, I would miss how everything used to be, and reach out for a hug. You never did knew, did you? That every hug I reached out to get from you meant something, that each hug was a comfort to something that's on my mind.
I'm looking forward to being happier, I couldn't be bothered anymore.
And I will visit New York City this year for Christmas and New Year.
Monday, June 03, 2013
Today is the 3rd June 2013. I was just thinking, that all these are getting too tiring and painful.
Maybe I should learn from my lessons all these while and stop expecting. If there is... there is, if there isn't, so be it.
It's time to wake up and live my own life, and you can go do whatever makes you happy.
Maybe I should learn from my lessons all these while and stop expecting. If there is... there is, if there isn't, so be it.
It's time to wake up and live my own life, and you can go do whatever makes you happy.
Sunday, June 02, 2013
Today is the 2nd June 2013. You just came home from a full marathon and resting, but I couldn't stay in bed, so I woke up. What I'm feeling now, is that I should have gone out last night. I could have, but last night I chose to stay home.
I hate the way everything is right now.
It's like everything is slowly moving back to square one. You, looking at your phone all the time, playing games, replying texts. And I just HATES it when you do anything that involves that bitch I hate - Yam Yam Sim. Yes, I will name her here and tell you how much I hate her.
I don't care if we really know each other or not but she's too flirty for a female friend. Yeah, in your terms she is friendly and open, but in MY terms she is flirty because she crossed certain boundaries which I have not seen any female friends done it before. I don't like the way she gets so close to guys when she talks and slap them on the arm and laughs. No, not guy, is guysssss. I don't like the way she talks. I don't like how she must ALWAYS tags the guys on Facebook when there's a run coming up and say oh good luck guys, let's do this together and hey, you can do it, all the best. And wears make up to a marathon? Please just fuck the shit off!
Oh and for your information, each and everytime I see her name? I clearly remembers how you lied to me without blinking.
And I know that you're just ignoring things I post on Facebook sometimes. I don't care. For all I know you can ignore all you want, and when things really happen. You can get angry and shout at me like you've never done it before and we quarrel and we end everything. And then I'll move to new york and we live separately. Isn't that better? No one controls you with who you treat as a friends, no one complains about your habits? We can just do what we want?
I'm sick and tired of worrying and expecting things to happen!
I can guarantee you right now that I am currently losing interest in ALL the things and I don't fucking care if I live or die, married or single, or whether my sister has been raped.
I don't wanna care anymore. I'm gonna live my own life.
I hate the way everything is right now.
It's like everything is slowly moving back to square one. You, looking at your phone all the time, playing games, replying texts. And I just HATES it when you do anything that involves that bitch I hate - Yam Yam Sim. Yes, I will name her here and tell you how much I hate her.
I don't care if we really know each other or not but she's too flirty for a female friend. Yeah, in your terms she is friendly and open, but in MY terms she is flirty because she crossed certain boundaries which I have not seen any female friends done it before. I don't like the way she gets so close to guys when she talks and slap them on the arm and laughs. No, not guy, is guysssss. I don't like the way she talks. I don't like how she must ALWAYS tags the guys on Facebook when there's a run coming up and say oh good luck guys, let's do this together and hey, you can do it, all the best. And wears make up to a marathon? Please just fuck the shit off!
Oh and for your information, each and everytime I see her name? I clearly remembers how you lied to me without blinking.
And I know that you're just ignoring things I post on Facebook sometimes. I don't care. For all I know you can ignore all you want, and when things really happen. You can get angry and shout at me like you've never done it before and we quarrel and we end everything. And then I'll move to new york and we live separately. Isn't that better? No one controls you with who you treat as a friends, no one complains about your habits? We can just do what we want?
I'm sick and tired of worrying and expecting things to happen!
I can guarantee you right now that I am currently losing interest in ALL the things and I don't fucking care if I live or die, married or single, or whether my sister has been raped.
I don't wanna care anymore. I'm gonna live my own life.
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Today is the 1st May 2013. Days have been passing too fast and every week comes and goes like the clouds in the sky. But there was one thing in particular that I haven't been able to get it off my mind all these while. Despite the heavy workload at work, despite the love company I have at home, and the phone conversations with friends and people, it's surprising that alcohol, clubbing and cigarettes still hang on to my mind so tight.
I made myself promise that it would be the last when I went to the after party on the night of the company's D&D. It started off with a strong determination and motivation and I managed to push away a couple of clubbing sessions and cigarettes offer. Every weekend nights wasn't a problem even though it was still on my mind. Then the stress from work came in, and the disappointments from job hunting came in, and the weekend nights became more horrible to live.
I never knew I would be so reliant on alcohol, clubbing and cigarettes to free my stress level. Every time I made myself promise to stop, I did, but no doubts after one month the craving would kick in again. And the craving gets heavier and heavier until eventually, I don't look forward to weekends anymore. Because weekends are suffering times for me. Fridays are better because I get tired from work during the day, and I fall asleep fast at night, and at times I wake up at 3 am in the morning to pee and I would cry myself back to sleep. Waking up at 3 am? It's suicidal, because if I were in the club at 3 am, it would probably be the best part of the clubbing session yet.
And then comes Saturday morning, if I get awake at 7 am, I would try and get back to sleep because that's the time I would reach home if I'm out partying. And I would continue to make myself go back to sleep, for as long as I could. Well, literally every part of the weekend, my mind is on 'what would I be doing now if I did my usual clubbing'.
I would never say I regretted turning bad, because I learn from being bad and it helped me made choices I'd never thought I would knew which one I would choose. But I just hope that this craving would stop because I can no longer afford to be playful and carefree. Things changed and the rule of the game changes too.
This thrill seeking, attention grabbing, addictive hobby, has to stop. I need it to stop. And that was why I wanted to go see a shrink, because this issue is so disturbing nothing else seems to catch my interest anymore.
And yes, I haven't drank any alcohol, stepped into any clubs or smoked any cigarettes since the 6th March 2013. I have been good so far, 'suffering-ly' good.
ZZZZ... sigh! ;(
I made myself promise that it would be the last when I went to the after party on the night of the company's D&D. It started off with a strong determination and motivation and I managed to push away a couple of clubbing sessions and cigarettes offer. Every weekend nights wasn't a problem even though it was still on my mind. Then the stress from work came in, and the disappointments from job hunting came in, and the weekend nights became more horrible to live.
I never knew I would be so reliant on alcohol, clubbing and cigarettes to free my stress level. Every time I made myself promise to stop, I did, but no doubts after one month the craving would kick in again. And the craving gets heavier and heavier until eventually, I don't look forward to weekends anymore. Because weekends are suffering times for me. Fridays are better because I get tired from work during the day, and I fall asleep fast at night, and at times I wake up at 3 am in the morning to pee and I would cry myself back to sleep. Waking up at 3 am? It's suicidal, because if I were in the club at 3 am, it would probably be the best part of the clubbing session yet.
And then comes Saturday morning, if I get awake at 7 am, I would try and get back to sleep because that's the time I would reach home if I'm out partying. And I would continue to make myself go back to sleep, for as long as I could. Well, literally every part of the weekend, my mind is on 'what would I be doing now if I did my usual clubbing'.
I would never say I regretted turning bad, because I learn from being bad and it helped me made choices I'd never thought I would knew which one I would choose. But I just hope that this craving would stop because I can no longer afford to be playful and carefree. Things changed and the rule of the game changes too.
This thrill seeking, attention grabbing, addictive hobby, has to stop. I need it to stop. And that was why I wanted to go see a shrink, because this issue is so disturbing nothing else seems to catch my interest anymore.
And yes, I haven't drank any alcohol, stepped into any clubs or smoked any cigarettes since the 6th March 2013. I have been good so far, 'suffering-ly' good.
ZZZZ... sigh! ;(
Friday, March 08, 2013
Today is the 8th March 2013.
I just wanna migrate to New York. I wanna live life my way; do what i want.
What do you want?
You have all my attention, ask yourself, how many times have i rant about you and your phone and your stupid games and whatever shit i don't wanna care anymore.
No doubts i ever really wanted to end this all, i have thought about it a couple of times and i asked myself. 'Is this all worth it? Giving up New York for all these?' I held on, and on and on. Yeah i was happy, but when sadness come, nothing ever compares to how low i would feel and it's devastating! It's like the happiness i got never got to reach as extreme as my sadness could reach.
''Love what the two have in common and respect the differences.''
And i'm gonna say this again, i'm not gonna have any child until you quit smoking.
I just wanna migrate to New York. I wanna live life my way; do what i want.
What do you want?
You have all my attention, ask yourself, how many times have i rant about you and your phone and your stupid games and whatever shit i don't wanna care anymore.
No doubts i ever really wanted to end this all, i have thought about it a couple of times and i asked myself. 'Is this all worth it? Giving up New York for all these?' I held on, and on and on. Yeah i was happy, but when sadness come, nothing ever compares to how low i would feel and it's devastating! It's like the happiness i got never got to reach as extreme as my sadness could reach.
''Love what the two have in common and respect the differences.''
And i'm gonna say this again, i'm not gonna have any child until you quit smoking.
Friday, August 24, 2012
24th August 2012.
I honestly don't know how much i'm worth. Literally!
Of all days, you're just busy the entire day yesterday, so busy you didn't went in Facebook . Of all days ? !
Okay, so say it's true you were really busy, and that's the respond you give ? A 'Like' and that's it ? You used to write something back or would post back on my wall but yeah you just liked it and ask why i posted it and then poof, end of story .
Amazing .
What do we do these days ? You work, i work, we come home, you watch TV and play your iTouch, talk a little and we go to bed . On occasions when you wanted it, we have sex .
I put in effort to make things better but nothing works . I club lesser, drink lesser and what do i get ? You drinking AND driving and sending colleagues home . I felt friends were treated way better than me you know . And on worse days, i felt like im an extra item hogging space in the house .
Yeah i know i failed as a wife, i can't get the place clean, i always mess things up, i complain about chores not done to perfection, i sleep late, im fussy about food and god i have absolutely no idea what you're troubled about .
But im trying to make it work ! ! And all i get is response that seemed to be forced .
Yeah i like to compare . I always check your phone to see how you reply your friends and how you reply me . And the friends always gets the joke, the cheerful replies, the smileys and the prompt replies . And mine . . . it's right there in your phone, and you should know how our conversation looks like .
You have no idea how often your response hurt me, and to think i will still die for you if i have to . I have no idea what im turning into .
I honestly don't know how much i'm worth. Literally!
Of all days, you're just busy the entire day yesterday, so busy you didn't went in Facebook . Of all days ? !
Okay, so say it's true you were really busy, and that's the respond you give ? A 'Like' and that's it ? You used to write something back or would post back on my wall but yeah you just liked it and ask why i posted it and then poof, end of story .
Amazing .
What do we do these days ? You work, i work, we come home, you watch TV and play your iTouch, talk a little and we go to bed . On occasions when you wanted it, we have sex .
I put in effort to make things better but nothing works . I club lesser, drink lesser and what do i get ? You drinking AND driving and sending colleagues home . I felt friends were treated way better than me you know . And on worse days, i felt like im an extra item hogging space in the house .
Yeah i know i failed as a wife, i can't get the place clean, i always mess things up, i complain about chores not done to perfection, i sleep late, im fussy about food and god i have absolutely no idea what you're troubled about .
But im trying to make it work ! ! And all i get is response that seemed to be forced .
Yeah i like to compare . I always check your phone to see how you reply your friends and how you reply me . And the friends always gets the joke, the cheerful replies, the smileys and the prompt replies . And mine . . . it's right there in your phone, and you should know how our conversation looks like .
You have no idea how often your response hurt me, and to think i will still die for you if i have to . I have no idea what im turning into .
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Today is the 22nd March 2012 .
Three days on, and I'm still having a heartache . I've never had a heartache over us for so long before, this was the first .
Maybe it's because I failed to acknowledge this problem before and now that I'm actually facing it, it really hurts .
How sad it is . But do you know ? Or just sit by the TV and Facebook/Yahoo News all day waiting for time to sleep .
There's been a few times that the problem was acknowledge, but the topic was changed shortly after . Do you not want us to last ?
I feel distance building between us these days, haven't you ?
Do you tell me everything ? I bet no .
Yeah i was wrong to keep on delaying finding a job, i was wrong to keep on talking to guys you don't like that happens to be on my good friends list, i was wrong to be petty over the slightest thing, i was wrong to be anti-social to the people i don't think i can get along with, i was wrong for so many things .
Well, i didn't say i was perfect, i didn't ask you to hold my hand the night we were at east coast park, i didn't force you to get married with me .
I'm sorry i didn't love you the way you wanted me to, but i still do . Do you ?
Three days on, and I'm still having a heartache . I've never had a heartache over us for so long before, this was the first .
Maybe it's because I failed to acknowledge this problem before and now that I'm actually facing it, it really hurts .
How sad it is . But do you know ? Or just sit by the TV and Facebook/Yahoo News all day waiting for time to sleep .
There's been a few times that the problem was acknowledge, but the topic was changed shortly after . Do you not want us to last ?
I feel distance building between us these days, haven't you ?
Do you tell me everything ? I bet no .
Yeah i was wrong to keep on delaying finding a job, i was wrong to keep on talking to guys you don't like that happens to be on my good friends list, i was wrong to be petty over the slightest thing, i was wrong to be anti-social to the people i don't think i can get along with, i was wrong for so many things .
Well, i didn't say i was perfect, i didn't ask you to hold my hand the night we were at east coast park, i didn't force you to get married with me .
I'm sorry i didn't love you the way you wanted me to, but i still do . Do you ?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Today is the 20th March 2012 .
Things doesn't seem to get any better . We had an arguement last night over facebook friend request . I didn't know it was a friend he added long ago, because it appears on the recent activities . But nonetheless, i asked who it was . He didn't check his facebook so he said he added no one, i replied it was a girl .
With frustration in his facial expressions, i stopped asking and said never mind, it's okay . I rest my head on the pillow and tried not to think about it . But only to realized he got more annoyed . I didn't wanted to put up any arguements so i kept quiet . As always, he grabbed my chin and lifted my face towards him . For the hundredth times I've told him before i didn't like that, he still does it . My feelings immediately switched to being irritated because in my opinion, only slaves, maids and people being looked down on are grabbed on by the chin to face up and reply .
But i kept my silence in return to your frustrated explanations . Your tone changed as you spoke, like an inpatient teacher teaching a slow learning student . I got really sad . All i wanna know is who's that girl . Yeah i know she's not amazingly pretty, but neither am i . I went out and lay on the couch, i wanted you to come hoax me, but there's no sound . I went in and pretend to take my huggie out, no sound . So i made my final attempt back into the room, turned on the lights and took my pillow out . I heard the door open, which made me really happy a bit, you tried twice to get me in the room but i rejected . Then you said your words and left me laying there .
Do you think i really believe all those guys that said i look georgeous, slim, sexy and beautiful ? No, i don't . I, am ugly . I'm too skinny for my weight and my limbs are hairy like men . My face is not perfect because I have a red birth mark that I've been trying to hide for 22 years, my jaw is over-grown and it's making my whole face look flat from the side . I have elf's ears, small eyes, small breast . All in all, i don't think I look physically pretty . Neither do i have a feminine personality .
I'm scared to lose you too, after what has happened to my sister I'm afraid it will happen to us too . Maybe I'm selfish, coz all i want is to keep you in my pocket and let nobody else get to you . I want you to be wholly and exclusively mine . But as far as i know, i can't .
As the relationship progress, we all know romance and passion is something hard to maintained . Recently it's been something i can't even feel it between you and me . Is it the financial debt that you are in that's making it all more frustrating ? Or is it the shit things from work that I don't know that caused you to be of such difference to the guy i first met .
I feel that I'm of no value to you soon, like I'm a car with breakeven value . Keeping it is for sentimental sake .
There's so much things that's starting to show everytime we quarrel . I'm still the same me when i get unhappy - being quiet, that is, staying away from you . But you ain't the same anymore when we quarrel .
You started giving up hoaxing very easily, your tone gets more and more disgusted, you pointed your index finger directly into my face when you said your words, and worse of all, you just left me stranded at where i was .
Am i wrong ? Or I'm just one horrible lady .
Things doesn't seem to get any better . We had an arguement last night over facebook friend request . I didn't know it was a friend he added long ago, because it appears on the recent activities . But nonetheless, i asked who it was . He didn't check his facebook so he said he added no one, i replied it was a girl .
With frustration in his facial expressions, i stopped asking and said never mind, it's okay . I rest my head on the pillow and tried not to think about it . But only to realized he got more annoyed . I didn't wanted to put up any arguements so i kept quiet . As always, he grabbed my chin and lifted my face towards him . For the hundredth times I've told him before i didn't like that, he still does it . My feelings immediately switched to being irritated because in my opinion, only slaves, maids and people being looked down on are grabbed on by the chin to face up and reply .
But i kept my silence in return to your frustrated explanations . Your tone changed as you spoke, like an inpatient teacher teaching a slow learning student . I got really sad . All i wanna know is who's that girl . Yeah i know she's not amazingly pretty, but neither am i . I went out and lay on the couch, i wanted you to come hoax me, but there's no sound . I went in and pretend to take my huggie out, no sound . So i made my final attempt back into the room, turned on the lights and took my pillow out . I heard the door open, which made me really happy a bit, you tried twice to get me in the room but i rejected . Then you said your words and left me laying there .
Do you think i really believe all those guys that said i look georgeous, slim, sexy and beautiful ? No, i don't . I, am ugly . I'm too skinny for my weight and my limbs are hairy like men . My face is not perfect because I have a red birth mark that I've been trying to hide for 22 years, my jaw is over-grown and it's making my whole face look flat from the side . I have elf's ears, small eyes, small breast . All in all, i don't think I look physically pretty . Neither do i have a feminine personality .
I'm scared to lose you too, after what has happened to my sister I'm afraid it will happen to us too . Maybe I'm selfish, coz all i want is to keep you in my pocket and let nobody else get to you . I want you to be wholly and exclusively mine . But as far as i know, i can't .
As the relationship progress, we all know romance and passion is something hard to maintained . Recently it's been something i can't even feel it between you and me . Is it the financial debt that you are in that's making it all more frustrating ? Or is it the shit things from work that I don't know that caused you to be of such difference to the guy i first met .
I feel that I'm of no value to you soon, like I'm a car with breakeven value . Keeping it is for sentimental sake .
There's so much things that's starting to show everytime we quarrel . I'm still the same me when i get unhappy - being quiet, that is, staying away from you . But you ain't the same anymore when we quarrel .
You started giving up hoaxing very easily, your tone gets more and more disgusted, you pointed your index finger directly into my face when you said your words, and worse of all, you just left me stranded at where i was .
Am i wrong ? Or I'm just one horrible lady .
Monday, March 19, 2012
Today is the 19th March 2012.
A huge wave of emotions hit me recently, or rather just days ago. The song above made me realized how much things I've been holding on to. Those are memories I've never forget because i simply can't. I've been hiding them, burying them every once in a while when they float up to the surface.
It's hard to let go. Every single inch.
I know it's bad for me and it gets everybody worried and sad, that's why I've chose to be what I've become today.
This day I live, is not what i asked for, neither is it what I didn't want.
Is this a lie I'm living in? Or I'm here to learn how to do the right things instead of the wanted things . . . or this is actually what i used to wish for and now I'm regretting.
Huge huge confusion.
They say men get troubled for women a lot, but they haven't told stories about women getting vexed over men, not for understanding men actually, but for who is playing or who is here to stay.
Now that I'm out of reach for alcohol, my stress level is increasing every time i get thinking over these things. How am i ever gonna find another hobby to relieve my mental stress.
I'm still searching for people involved in the days that taught me to grow up, but even till then, I'll have to consider seriously if keeping in contact is necessary.
Chantel? Or Jie Min?
Friday, February 24, 2012
Today is the 24th February 2012. How time flies, it's eight months since what happened already. Wouldn't say i've adapted well to it, because im still trying to hide the fact. I'm not sure what mom and dad had to say about it but im pretty sure they don't feel happy. Whatever's happened cannot be change, what comes in the future must be dealt with, like it or not.
Days haven't be better since my condition got stable. We've been through a lot of arguements and i am hurt. The hurt i feel everytime you walk out the door after arguements, leaving me behind, makes me wonder time and time again, am i doing this right?
Why is it that everytime when i try harder to be a better wife i felt i sucked at it.
Yes, i still wanna club and drink.
Yes, i still smoke now and then.
Yes, i still can't let go of my old life.
And why??!
Because you haven't prove to me that you're willing to change for me.
I've been thinking should i have let other guys a chance because they are begging for it.
Three years, i wanted you to quit smoking. You almost did it the other time you got suspected for dengue. But what happened? You don't have the slightest determination. I don't think it's ever that hard to quit smoking. YOU ARE JUST WEAK.
Nonetheless, i turned my face away and pretend i'm okay with it. I try to get myself working on the house chores, earning a few more bucks, going to interviews with a heavy heart.
I tried!
What have you done? Are you gonna tell me the same thing about how you're managing our financials? I don't buy your story because you know why? I don't spend money like you. I buy what i really need. Lottery are for people who earns more and have extra cash. Have we got that kind of money? We don't. And look... lottery tickets once in a few weeks, each time spending tens of dollars.
Can't we just lead a humble life? A healthy, happy humble life. That's all i really ask for.
Until then, maybe i'll consider letting you know what's on my mind, all of it. If not, you'll just gonna know me as Chantel... you won't know that girl name Tay Jie Min.
Days haven't be better since my condition got stable. We've been through a lot of arguements and i am hurt. The hurt i feel everytime you walk out the door after arguements, leaving me behind, makes me wonder time and time again, am i doing this right?
Why is it that everytime when i try harder to be a better wife i felt i sucked at it.
Yes, i still wanna club and drink.
Yes, i still smoke now and then.
Yes, i still can't let go of my old life.
And why??!
Because you haven't prove to me that you're willing to change for me.
I've been thinking should i have let other guys a chance because they are begging for it.
Three years, i wanted you to quit smoking. You almost did it the other time you got suspected for dengue. But what happened? You don't have the slightest determination. I don't think it's ever that hard to quit smoking. YOU ARE JUST WEAK.
Nonetheless, i turned my face away and pretend i'm okay with it. I try to get myself working on the house chores, earning a few more bucks, going to interviews with a heavy heart.
I tried!
What have you done? Are you gonna tell me the same thing about how you're managing our financials? I don't buy your story because you know why? I don't spend money like you. I buy what i really need. Lottery are for people who earns more and have extra cash. Have we got that kind of money? We don't. And look... lottery tickets once in a few weeks, each time spending tens of dollars.
Can't we just lead a humble life? A healthy, happy humble life. That's all i really ask for.
Until then, maybe i'll consider letting you know what's on my mind, all of it. If not, you'll just gonna know me as Chantel... you won't know that girl name Tay Jie Min.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Today is the 30th June 2011 . Blogging from Singapore now that i'm back for a ''vacation'' . Not exactly a joyous trip i should say, even though i threw my 21st birthday celebration cum house-warming party .
I was admitted to the hospital after my party on the 19th, a day before my actual birthday, and i was stuck in the hospital for two days . I was prepared to only be there for a couple bags of drippin then be home for a nice celebration, but it turned out to be a saddening stay .
Lucky to have my husband with me, for his absence would make everything worse ten times . Feeling dizzy from initial discomfort, and the needle drip under my skin all the time, being awake in the middle of the night for blood pressure test, and last but not least, the whole horror of all - bone marrow extraction . There was so much discomfort and thoughts running through my mind as to why must so much things happen to me on my 21st birthday .
Imagine being hospitalized the full 24 hours of your birthday, crying, and have your mum see you cry and cry too .
That's how i spent my day, my 21st birthday .
I was admitted to the hospital after my party on the 19th, a day before my actual birthday, and i was stuck in the hospital for two days . I was prepared to only be there for a couple bags of drippin then be home for a nice celebration, but it turned out to be a saddening stay .
Lucky to have my husband with me, for his absence would make everything worse ten times . Feeling dizzy from initial discomfort, and the needle drip under my skin all the time, being awake in the middle of the night for blood pressure test, and last but not least, the whole horror of all - bone marrow extraction . There was so much discomfort and thoughts running through my mind as to why must so much things happen to me on my 21st birthday .
Imagine being hospitalized the full 24 hours of your birthday, crying, and have your mum see you cry and cry too .
That's how i spent my day, my 21st birthday .
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Today is the 24th May 2011 . Particularly today, living in this place, i feel something; i feel nostalgia .
Since the day i tried to settle in, my neighbour has been very supportive of me . Saved my many days when i first came here, and now, after five months, she's leaving . Returning to Singapore for good, after spending almost half a decade here, she's finally going home . I feel happy for her, but kinda sad that such a friend is leaving me . And god knows what happen when we both live in Singapore, busy with lifes .
There's nothing much to say about her, but as a friend, she's definitely someone who will stand by you no matter what happens . And for that, i respect her .
She's no clever ass, nothing about rich, just simple, but she knows all about being happy . I appreciate what she's done for me all these times and i hope for the best to her near future .
Bye now, my friend .
Since the day i tried to settle in, my neighbour has been very supportive of me . Saved my many days when i first came here, and now, after five months, she's leaving . Returning to Singapore for good, after spending almost half a decade here, she's finally going home . I feel happy for her, but kinda sad that such a friend is leaving me . And god knows what happen when we both live in Singapore, busy with lifes .
There's nothing much to say about her, but as a friend, she's definitely someone who will stand by you no matter what happens . And for that, i respect her .
She's no clever ass, nothing about rich, just simple, but she knows all about being happy . I appreciate what she's done for me all these times and i hope for the best to her near future .
Bye now, my friend .